the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
