Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
this is an emotional support booty call
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
