I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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