Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I still have a little drunk in my system
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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