Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize