we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
