remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
