Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I could make wine with my vomit
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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