Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
