The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
