It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
there was a trapeze. enough said
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
