so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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