oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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