Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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