I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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