Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
