hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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