just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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