omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
