I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
