My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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