I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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