You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
