were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
