I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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