If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
