i already hear my dad disowning me
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just high enough for therapy.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
