exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
