There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
