It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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