I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
