I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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