i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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