can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
