I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
