How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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