my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
