I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
