You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm getting married
To pizza
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
