I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
