Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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