I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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