Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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