You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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