New invention idea: vibrating tampons
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I need to calm my uterus...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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