He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
