Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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