and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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