Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
