I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
