Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
