im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize