Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
