I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
