then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
