I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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