he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize