I'm jealous of your bromance
and she was petting her beer can
He passed out mid-signature
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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