I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
